Controversial Heart: Beating Despite a Meltdown

Originally written, July 16

I respect my resolve…

I’ve struggled through hideousness,
The anger that contorted who I was.
Enduring pain, lashing out, being-
A monster.
To say that I was a product,
A twisted result of conditioning-
Fear.
Taught that silence meant obedience,
I sat, laid &allowed my soul to be violated.
Detesting it; who I was beneath
The pain.

So I’m shouting, at the top of my lungs
Demanding my place in reality.
Unaccepting of the people in front of me-
Mirage.
Illusionary beliefs were crammed,
Into my innocence laden with propaganda.
Offensive to question their teaching,
Parents.
Our lifeline, our guidance, our protectors;
Passing on their insecurities, their peeves to pet,
Their desires not to be of this world;
Prejudice.
Learning to live as a shadow,
Following suit, never asking why,
Questions begot disobedience, begot-
Discipline.
Battle scars; some visible, most subdermal.
Proof of insubordination, the sign of perversion,
An unwanted quality of perfection.
Individuality.

Louder. Stronger. Daughter.
Getting off my knees; Begging-
No longer belongs in my life.
Permission? I need not asks,
This is my life &I’m not sorry.


FI: SOUICHI FURUSHO

That Feeling When…

The sun peaks in the afternoon;
Kissing your skin with its rays,
Wrapping its loving warmth around you.

The perfect song plays just when you need it;
Unleashing your passionate inner rock star,
Strumming your air guitar like it’s the real thing.

The problems of yesterday slowly melt away;
Allowing this moment to be that moment,
That feeling when…life is as it should be.


FI: Jacksonville Fine Art Photography

In This Moment

Finally-
The rise &fall refreshes.
With each passing moment,
The spring air warms;
Each note, each beat of th drum-
The instrument within her chest- 
Causes the panic to subside.
For what seems like-
The first time in ages-
Her lungs fill with hope.

Exhaling the negative,
She baskes in the her contentment.
Though the future is uncertain,
In this moment, she is,
&this moment is everything.

Behind The Scenes of my Vindication

Hiya Loveables,

Sorry, I missed your update March 1st- but BOY, do I have an update for you- but don’t worry I’ll KISS it. (Keep It Short &Simple) 😅

I missed March’s update bc I traveled across Canada, I: moved from Alberta to Ontario, got a job in Sales &took control of my life.

What prompted the move? ☺️ I’m touched that you asked. 😜

I needed a change- I was tired of being afraid. My living/work situation in Jasper took a toll on my mind; it created a vortex that worsened my depression & overall mental health. I’d encountered a bully (at the age of 26, heh, go figure 🙄) who created an environment where I was afraid to leave my apartment. Where I worked, you get the lovely pleasure of living with the people you work with (smashing great idea 😒). So I left; I wasn’t happy with my job, nor the neglectful way they treated us- &as for the bully? Well… Bye Felicia. ✈️

Now? I’m happy, I’m making new friends &I’m taking control of my life.

Monthly Mash: In Repair

January was a roller coaster, I: ended my relationship, admitted myself to a hospital, was diagnosed &began a DBT workbook with my therapist. Hitting bottom was awful but now I’m rising- as if in a hot air balloon during a storm- &change is just inches away.

I’m moving across the country at the end of the month &starting from scratch. I am fortunate that my parents still have my old room, giving me a chance to take my recovery at my own pace. I fell apart in AB, but I’ll rebuild in ON. (Mandatory hashtag, #InRepair).

Ps. Also the title of a great Our Lady Peace song.


I’m starting something new- my blog, my rules- introducing Monthly Mash, a reflection of my progress. ;P

FI: Vladimir Kush