Controversial Heart: Beating Despite a Meltdown

Originally written, July 16

I respect my resolve…

I’ve struggled through hideousness,
The anger that contorted who I was.
Enduring pain, lashing out, being-
A monster.
To say that I was a product,
A twisted result of conditioning-
Fear.
Taught that silence meant obedience,
I sat, laid &allowed my soul to be violated.
Detesting it; who I was beneath
The pain.

So I’m shouting, at the top of my lungs
Demanding my place in reality.
Unaccepting of the people in front of me-
Mirage.
Illusionary beliefs were crammed,
Into my innocence laden with propaganda.
Offensive to question their teaching,
Parents.
Our lifeline, our guidance, our protectors;
Passing on their insecurities, their peeves to pet,
Their desires not to be of this world;
Prejudice.
Learning to live as a shadow,
Following suit, never asking why,
Questions begot disobedience, begot-
Discipline.
Battle scars; some visible, most subdermal.
Proof of insubordination, the sign of perversion,
An unwanted quality of perfection.
Individuality.

Louder. Stronger. Daughter.
Getting off my knees; Begging-
No longer belongs in my life.
Permission? I need not asks,
This is my life &I’m not sorry.


FI: SOUICHI FURUSHO

Vindication of the Lost Child

With the illusion of strength;
Restraining your offspring with violence
You pressured their virtue.

Now- etched in skin;
A constant reminder
Of your failure to provide:
Protection.

We were,
Made in your image;
Carbon copies.
Victims chasing perfection
Dictated by cryptic standards.

Despite it all,
This vandal remains,
Demolishing generational deficiencies.
She marches towards growth, while-
Seeking solace in solitude;
The night.

Shameless Courage: How Willpower Saved This Defiant Mind

Something deep down.
Compelled me to challenge the sea…

Like the flowing waters,
It came crashing like a wave.
The subtle shift in the current,
Giving way to the unexpected-
A passing sailor.

He found me…
Adrift &clinging to my past;
As though its knowledge kept me afloat.
Refusing to let go, I invited him aboard.

My raft, though small, carried me;
Rising, falling, crashing-
Below the force of the waters.
The impact of the bitterness,
Tossed my beloved lifeline about,
Threatening to capsize my mind
Beneath the pressure of its whispers.

Somehow traversing the length of despair,
Never thought I’d find another…
A human being sailing these seas;
Someone full of understanding
With an open- though timid heart,
He outstretched his hand,
Beckoning me to join him.

Pirates- vicious barbarians;
They prey on the weak, the frail;
Stealing in the breath of the trusting.
Bathing themselves in stolen booty-
The sea was full of them.
Knowledge-
It became my beacon for life preservation,
So I accepted- tentatively.

Sailing toward survival,
Kindness… seemed a foreign concept.
A stranger, caring? Ludicrous.
How dare he believe I could be so foolish.
But I was.

With each passing day,
As the sails filled &emptied,
Catching the breeze,
Yet releasing it, just the same.
I began to notice this sailor.
The rise &fall of his chest,
As he spoke passionately of his travels.
The darting of his eyes,
Navigating the depths.
The curves of his muscles,
Meticulously setting our course.
Yet still, his heart was ever elusive.

A stormy past: a shared experience,
Joined our minds, connecting our paths.
Suddenly, the oceans, ever vast…
Ever unknown, seemed no longer.
It held no more power over me
Than my raft held wisdom.
Once lost, adrift at sea,
I learned to trust a sailor…


FI: Sarolta Ban

Stuck In My Head

Marching to the beat
No sounds, nor voices.
But I hear it.
Dull, nearly inaudible;
But I can hear it.

An evolving tempo:
Slowly growing,
Adding instruments,
Deepening the rumble.

It’s-:
Earth bending,
Mind dismantling,
Knee trembling-
Overwhelming.

Then, before long, something’s-
Different
.
The world’s ambient noises fade;
That is…
All but the deafening percussion.
As it draws on your thoughts,
It grows louder &that’s when:
The beat hastens your breath,
The rumbling offsets your heart,
While amplifying- the need.

Observing the changes,
Your eyes close: darting back &forth,
You see it, no words, just actions;
Your heart quickens; adjusting…
Following the tempo in your mind.

It’s everywhere, it’s everything.
Moving your limbs,
Until there’s nothing left,
But your mind,
The growing tempo,
The liberating movements,
& it’s temporary freedom.


FI:  ANCHORED

Hugs: A Call to Arms

Within these walls, reside five individuals- a gathering of misfits minds: a troubled young soul, a tragically broken heart, a tuckered out body, a tumultuous voice &a tremulous existence. 

This collection- handcrafted by pain,   live’s its life like a moths to a flame. Living on a collision course with eruption, they’re being corrupted by emotion. Drowned out by a tumultuous voice &roughed up by a tired body, these individuals became soldiers.

These eruptions leave them broken, recovering from, what feels like irreparable damage. They’re setting the ground a flame &these flames… have ignited a war.


FI: Home by TheOnlyFallacy

The Midnight Witness

Tossing &turning, comfort is elusive
Within the confines of her mind.
Aroused suddenly- alarmed;
Distress collects in beads,
Running down her forehead.

Daunted- Her dream fades,
Retreating to her subconscious.

Looking around: her bedroom;
A familiar place, albeit her feelings-
That create a dissociation.
These four walls are just that,
Walls.
With the veil of home,
Lifting with each passing day,
She has reached a breaking point.

Though consciously unaware of her dream,
Its warning, now a distant memory;
She’s enticed by exhaustion’s whisper.

Silently struggling, within the confines of her mind:
She attempts to remember
The cause of her distress.
Though her mind, like a crossword without the clues,
Exceeds her capabilities in its clouded state.

Dream…or memory repressed,
She begins to drift,
Back into unconsciousness:
A state of suspended animation-
Medicated.


FI: SamanthaElizabeth

Recoil: The Unexpected Surrender of the Mind

I’m conscious- but something’s wrong; I don’t know where I am…

The cold air unleashed a battalion of goosebumps upon my skin, rousing me from my sleep. The ground is hard, I thought- it feels like concrete against my ear. Gradually allowing my mind to process, I sit up, realizing it’s dark- too dark &quiet; no visible windows, no distinguishing sounds.

Suddenly I’m overwhelmed by panic, I’m starting to feel exposed, like, someone’s in here. It was then something overtook me… not quite a feeling, more a tangible entity, like a hand on my shoulder. It’s touching me- hugging me, I’m saved. For a moment I allow my eyes to close, basking in this feeling of protection.

Temporary, like the pain I’ve felt time &time again- the moment of relief returns to terror. Let go, let go, I thought, as it bonded with me. I screamed. I shook. I fought until my energy was spent.

I gave in.

It was then, it chose to reveal itself. Then as my body slumped, as I accepted my fate; did it reveal its face.

It was me: distorted, misshapen; broken.


Dreams are mysterious things. What do you think it means? #00Dreamer

FI: Roberto Kusterle

Poetic Confession: Burning Down the House

Walls- never seemed so interesting
As they appeared that dreary day.
Onlookers stare- but nothing’s there-
Just my mind losing its will.

Alone, I sat pretending
Though pages were left unturned.
Tormented by my crowded mind
I pleaded with life for mercy.

Moving Bodies- such commotion;
Their smiles provoking my motive.
I knew to make my leave,
Before my choice was altered.

My room, where thoughts would fester,
Rooting demons to the soul.
Drawing on my essence while-
Kindling my destruction.

Depression converted to sorrow;
Happiness became morose.
Extinguishing my sense of self,
My ashes smouldered within.

Ruminant thoughts: a flame.
Burning as it reaches the roots.
The pangs tore me asunder,
Setting my spirit ablaze.

Much to my surprise,
The flames burned root instead.
Proving I was stronger,
Than the voices in my head.


Header: Gemma Johnson