Confessions: Milestones – Near Death Experience

Sometimes you meet people in life that you connect with; in ways, you never dreamt possible. You feel they understand you -&they do,- in ways unimaginable. But- &there’s always a but- for someone like me: quiet &odd, someone who knows many people but only feels connected to a few, you always have a sense of dread as you wait for that fateful day to come around. The day when you lose another friend to your emotions &feel that much worse about yourself.

I am a carelessly guarded castle. I tried to defend my heart from people to protect myself from the inevitable pangs of pain; the feelings that come with basic human interaction- the thing I’m not so good at- but instead I created a monster. The monster tells me that they wouldn’t like me anyway, that I’m boring, undeserving- a parasite. That my sole purpose is to use them to fill the void in my chest. Which in part, is true, but it is so much more than that. Nevertheless, the monster grows until I need out. So my mind breaks the emergency glass; then what started perhaps as a defends mechanism, becomes volatile. You shut down, no emotions, no feeling: complete numbness. It works for a time, takes the edge off, but it never goes away. Surprise, it’s worse than before you left, it’s grown &it’s too much to fight alone.

***

Loneliness has been such a trigger for me that it has sent me into downward spirals of anxiety, depression &eventual rash decisions that could have cost me my life. (I’ll leave that for another confession). These last three years: I have lost pieces that may not have been mine to hold forever, but I’ve learned a thing or two about myself, because of them. These people have become: milestones, medals; memories.


Header: The Camera Collection

7 thoughts on “Confessions: Milestones – Near Death Experience

  1. This just brought tears to my eyes because surely you were describing me also. Confronting.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yours as well. It’s just so heavy to carry it all alone… these poems &blogs are my freedom.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yea. I write on here when I can’t contain anything anymore. I write on here because…when will it become too much for those you call your friends? Will these last thoughts be the thing that pushes them away?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’m starting to feel that, I’ve said too much &I just want my remaining time with them to be filled with as much joy as I can muster.

        So this is place, has become my little sanctuary. While I’d hope that these thoughts came from a happier place, I enjoy your writing style.

        Like

      3. Yeah, I understand that. If you don’t mind me saying, “my remaining time with them” struck a cord, and can mean a couple of things, and is something I take into consideration every day.
        Thank you. I enjoy your also. I understand now when people tell me what “real” is in my writings. And your poetry. What a skill – to say so much in so few words. Each quite poignant.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Thank you, that’s incredibly gracious of you. ☺️
        I’m moving from where I currently live, but I question the likelihood of leaving conscious.

        Like

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